Better Than Pity.

It appears in an immoral decision,
It's he's so terrible, how is it
that he seems to fix everything in his
lack of care?
And I know that the blue-eyed one knows,
he knows what I've done, he knows how
weak I am to that detached smile.
Is it okay to feel guilty?
When he was the one to be unfaithful first.
I can see it behind my eyes, addictive memories
that confuse me as to whether I should
be glad to remember them or not, whether I
should or should not smile when I see
grey eyes staring into my soul.
One says he's going to destroy me.
Another says he's going to help fix me.
And the truth is that, though I fear rejection,
it's the fear of being alone that hits
me the hardest. It's the fear that shadows
will spill from under my door and consume
me, the fear that if I'm left alone, my
mind will unravel and I'll be at the
mercy of a masked monster of hatred.
I'm scared of my own mind being left
to make up it's own horrors to kill me.
And I hate the look of pity those blue
eyes give me becuase of it. I hate it.
The only thing I get from that
emotionless one is mocking laughter.
Laughter that makes the fear give way to
shame for feeling so scared.
It's better than being pitied.

Use Me.

Use me completely,
And make me break as you see fit,
For I am trapped inside your wall for you alone.

Though hooks dig,
Into my limb words flow,
And one million truths I will speak.

One million things,
You'll need to know,
And so many you'll want to never hear.

With all of this,
I'll add a haunting warning,
As the blood drains into the floor.

"I will die someday,
And you will follow suit on another,
Yet both will shed tears of sapphire hue."

Use me completely,
And draw me thinner still,
For no god may enter here.

My soul protects this home,
With my blood drained into it's walls,
All lightning I reject from divine source to retort.

Spreading thinner,
The skin is worn tight,
And the hooks grow rusty.

Once more I repeat,
All the truths I can spill,
And the haunting hymn like warning

"I will die someday,
And you will follow suit on another,
Yet both will shed tears of sapphire hue."

Use me so fully,
That I cannot ever say no,
Even as the thread goes tighter than it should.

Hooks are scarlet,
Draining all that is me,
As the words flow so freely.

Break me so fully,
You alone are master,
And you alone are divine.

All who deny,
Are rejected from entry,
And may never hear the truth.

Snap the body falls,
And hands are stained,
With the smell of copper rust.

Once more,
With the final cord,
Do the words repeat.

"I will die someday,
And you will follow suit on another,
Yet both will shed tears of sapphire hue."

Breathe Like You Bleed.

I want to feel his hands around my throat
Pressing me down until I finally choke
Prove to me that I don't need the air I breathe
Prove to me that all I really need is you to hold me
I want to feel his hands cutting off my air supply
Preventing me from telling even more lies
Prove to me that I don't need my voice to speak
Prove to me that you don't really even need me
I want to feel his hands strangling me
Protecting me from the toxins we all need
Prove to me that you can help me escape the idiocy
Prove to me that I can live somewhere above reality
I want to feel his hands around my throat
Pressing me down until I finally cease to choke

The Story of Us

The story of us doesn't seem that long.
But that doesn't mean that it's meaning is lost.
Some people would say that this story is wrong.

But it's just so right. I just can't put down this book.
All the emotions in this story has me, well hooked.
As I turn each page and my eyes takes in all the words
I can't wait to know what happens next.

Where will this story take us to
A movie, a play or maybe even your place?
Or how about a beach were we can just enjoy the view.
This story is starting to make my heart race.

I don't want to finish this book too fast
So I guess I'll let the story of us take it's course.
I hope this will last.

Insomnia.

I'm terrified,

To wait alone.

Here's the truth,

My cover blown.

I cannot sleep,

Or stay awake.

There's more caffeine,

And pills to take.

Up and down

Here I go.

Massive waves,

Pulled undertow.

Please release me,

Far from here.

From every loved one,

I once held dear.

Sleepless nights,

Spent alone.

Are no less scary,

When I'm grown.

Every monster,

Under my bed.

Was truly real,

I wasn't misled.

I wish you'd stay,

But I know you'll leave.

Another lie,

My heart deceived.

I'm too afraid,

To stay awake.

There's more caffeine,

And pills to take.

Death.

"Do you fear death?"

The question loomed in the air before my body, as if a sword looming over someone almost conquered by their enemy. But I looked down at my hands and then back up, only to say, "Have you ever felt the pain of watching two lovers embrace at the end of a movie? It's supposed to be a happy ending. But your heart tells your lungs to stop breathing for just a minute…because it will never ever be yours."

"Do you fear death?"

A question repeated deserves an answer. But instead, my trembling hands sat clenched on my lap, the blue ink like veins showing through the frail covering that might rip apart any second. "Do you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night to hear a song, just to remind yourself, you're going to be all right? Over and over again…until it doesn't work anymore."

"Do you fear death?"

The invisible chain linked through my fingers, and I closed my tired eyes, this time, hearing the impatience in the dark voice that came from the shadows. "They say we hide secrets under our pillows. The only secret my pillow hides are the stains of the tears I turn over every morning... just so no one can see I'm in pain."

"Do you fear death?"

There are two kinds of people who do not fear death. They neither laugh, nor cry, or make even a hint of a sound. They won't move, they won't try to protect themselves. They will meet death head on, maybe even with a hint of a smile on their lips. This time…I smiled. "There are only two kinds of people who do not fear death."

"And who are they?"

"The brave…and the broken."

How Did I Ever Let You Go?

Dear Long Lost Friend,

I know you're not real; I know you don't breathe, but to me you're alive in every way possible.
Wherever you are, near or far, I miss you dearly; I truly do.
I know not what has happened, but I know you're not gone; you haven't left me forever.
I'm in despair for I've forgotten, there's a world somewhere where I used to be loved.
A world you used to show me, full of castles and dragons, towers and maidens; space rangers and starships; pirates and vast seas.
I really miss you; I truly do. I would never lie to you because you'd never lie to me, so this is why I must write this.
You taught me pain, happiness, empathy and so much more. You showed me how to cope with what I felt and you proved to me that forcing the end is never the answer.
Your honesty was what made me fall in love; your adventures never ending and stories always captivating.
You are truly a thing of beauty, a creature I will never understand.
Cover like a door, waiting to be opened so as to reveal the secrets hidden beyond.
Words like tiny black ants: plentiful; fascinating creatures forming an image, a story; a life.
Pages so crisp and thin fluttered like the wings of a monarch as they turned and turned countless times under countless hours.
Scent like a breath of fresh air and knowledge, always so addicting, exciting and complex.
Memories permanent like the ink forever sealed to your starch white pages, memories sewn into history, our history, now old and grey and yet still yearned for.
Different lights, different times; different moods and different places, everywhere and anywhere I'd go you'd take me there.
Stories I would never forget so long as you were there to stay open and never leave me.
I know I lost you, somewhere between the pile of excuses, the array of blips and blings made by late night texts, and the bright LED screens that clutter my life and now my conscience as I toss and turn in an endless nightmare; knowing that I have done wrong.
Void and empty, my imagination longs to find you, wherever you've hidden; wherever you've gone.
Through thick and thin we always stood together. To think that they scoffed at us and what we had: our relationship; our bond. To think that they'd try to take you away when story time ended or when class started; all because they couldn't see what you were to me.
I never wanted story time to end; I never wanted class to start; I never wanted us to disappear.
I never wanted to become addicted to your words when we first met under the florescent lights of my favorite book store, and yet here I am at your mercy, begging for you to return.
I will never truly understand how you make me feel the way I do; all I know is that at the end of the day, I know I need you there beside me to comfort me; to let me read your story once more.
You are irreplaceable, un-exchangeable, irresistible; irrevocable.
You know what they say: You never truly know what you had until it's gone. I know what I had now, and I know I want it back.
Please, I miss you, let me find you again. I promise, this time, that I will never let you go.

Sincerely,
The One That Misses You Most